Maybe

Sitting here alone,
the cold and unknown,
the raw and tender revealed
but to me.

For you opened me up,
revealed whats true
prying, prodding,
to search for a thought
holy or impure.

Some things remain mine,
some beliefs precious,
and some only known
through you.

Then nothing.

You close, you retreat,
you become a stranger to a friend,
and a wanderer in a welcome place.

Minor in some eyes,
major in your head,
the fleeing of your soul,
leaves others and their flanks exposed.

A call for return,
a begging for salvation,
with nothing but self to offer,
not a before nor an after.

Too late, too slow,
its gone forever,
never to be seen,
nor to be sought
a nerve now atrophied.

Some say it will heal,
some say another will cure,
but the heart says never.

Never to expose without a sign,
and only a cold and broken remains,
aloof and assured,
but hurt within.

Who knows I ask?
who can tell what will be,
and who can want to?

For a reason unknown we do,
we open, we hurt,
we close, we reveal,
not as a sweet symphony sound,
but a harsh and crass cry.

Its said you become better,
and don't give up,
Its said its worth it,
so keep trying.

Maybe

Dr. Joe & Right Wing Nut

This whole week I was trying to figure out what lesson I could learn from my discussion with RWC of the previous post. Then I remembered that in middle of my discussion the RWC says to me and my friend "Let's role-play a bit. I come to you, your a Rabbi. I tell you I want to convert. I've been a religious guy my whole life, and I believe in god. What do you say to me?"
So my friend, starts saying how every human has the ability to be close to G-d, and how its great that you want to convert, but its better for you to stay Chrissian, etc....

Now this goy starts to get frustrated and he says "Why don't you tell me you love me?The first thing you did was throw the book at me, and while everything you are saying I'm sure is true, but never once did I see or hear 'I love you' ."


It reminded me of the quote from Dr. Joe Kamenetsky, founding director of Torah U'Mesorah "If you give them your head they will give you their back. If you give them your heart they will give you everything"- That if we just talk about Halachah and Judaism in dry, authoritative terms, you will get peoples back. This guy was not likely going to convert, nor was I trying to convert him. But his lesson is spot on. We threw the book at him, and he resisted. Why don't we try throwing our hearts sometimes, and see what happens.

Clingers of Guns and Religion Quotables:

Right-wing Christian: "The communists came into power, and then they kill the Jews. The fascists came into power and they kill the Jews. What have the Christians ever done to the Jews? We protect you guys!"
Harryer: "Um, what about the Inquisition? The Crusades?"
RWC: "You want to go back that far! You killed our god!"
Harryer: "Yea. One guy, and he was one of us!"

RWC: "You know, I don't like the Jews, but I respect them. You know why? Cause our religion says we're supposed to protect you"
Harryer (thinking): "Gee thanks"
RWC: "If you guys are ever in trouble, you call me up, I'll hide you, I'll protect you!"
Harryer (knowing how to push this guys buttons by now): "Especially with this Obama guy as President!"
RWC: "Your F---ing right!"

RWC: "You know when someone says 'Your such a Jew', you know what they mean? They mean your cheap, you'll cheat for a buck, and you're a sellout!"
Harryer (thinking): "Thank you Madoff"

RWC: "Why can't you Jews just love us Christians? All we want is for you guys to love us and respect us."
Harryer (exasperated thinking by now): "Cause you guys haven't been to nice to us in the past"

Finally, I meet someone who fits Obama's description of Pennsylvania.

Reasons To Get Married #1

My niece is bored of the current crop of aunt and uncles and wants fresh blood

Baby Talk

When I was learning in Eretz Yisrael, one of my more memorable shabbosos was spent in Tzfas. If you've ever been there, especially for shabbos, it is an amazing, eclectic experience of all types of Jews, with more than its fair share of the stranger ones. Anyhow my friday night meal consisted of eating at a Breslov family who after getting to know them and their kids, realized they were highly educated (both of them went to Yale, where they met). But one of the lessons I remember from the meal, were the teachings of a chassider rebbe, who had a list of things you can learn from children. I don't remember them all, but I've made my own list of things we can learn:

1) When a child wants something from a high shelf, they try stretching as if those extra few centimeters will make a difference. But really what they are doing is trying to get there, and the adult will help them out. We should act the same with Hashem.

2) When you want something, you got to cry out for it.

3) Ever played peek-a-boo with a child? Well JJ Piaget theorized that babies at a very young age believe that what they can't see doesn't exist. The person who places their hand in front of their face, makes the child believe that he doesn't exist. After a few months, the child realizes that things exist even if they can't see them. Sometimes we are like that with G-d, if we can't see him we think he doesn't exist.

4) When they are quiet, its usually because they are making trouble. When we are quiet and don't daven its because we are usually doing something bad.

Three Arguments

The Satan as described in the Medrash came to Avrohom Avinu three times on the way to Akeidas Yitzchak, and tried to dissuade him with seemingly increasingly difficult arguments.

The first time he came to Avrohom he said "This is your son, who was born after 100 years of your life. He is precious to you, and you have a deep emotional attachment to him. Now you will kill him?" To which Avrohom answered "Even so."

The Second argument seems almost impossible: "Great G-d gave you all these tests. You passed them. Even if you pass this one, what will be? You will have no legacy to give the tests over to. Your son who G-d said he will build a nation through is dead!" This argument holds tremendous weight. The Satan isn't just saying its a difficult test, he is saying its a pointless test! For if you pass the test and kill Yitzchak, the result is that this test and all the prior tests are for naught. To which Avraham answered "Even more I will do"

The Third argument goes deeper "What will be tomorrow. You will pass the test, but only because you murdered!"
What is Murder? Everyone in the world understands that murder is evil. The snuffing out of life cannot be justified, except under few parameters. And really its either war, or the inability to allow an evil individual to exist. But really what it comes down to is that certain moral laws are understood by all to be evil. Whether atheist or believer murder is evil, as are other moral laws. The Satan came to Avraham and said to him "By following G-d you are doing a great act of sacrifice. But at what expense, at what cost? Tomorrow people will look at you as a murderer!"

Now to understand Avrahams response let us delve into his personality. The Medrash tells us that Avraham looked at the world, the forces of nature, and the movement of everything around him, and came to the conclusion that there is one G-d, one power who moves the world. He came to that conclusion through his quest for the truth, and reached that decision.
When Hashem comes to Avraham asking him to kill his son, Avraham could have done one of two things
A- Questioned his beliefs and conclusions. Avraham by his very nature was the questioning type. He could have thought "Maybe I was wrong this whole time. Maybe there is no G-d. A G-d who is true and merciful wouldn't want me to commit murder!"
or B- Suspend his questions. Go against his very nature of questioning, the burning desire for truth, and say "I have questions as to what G-d wants from me. I don't understand but I will do it anyway"

The scientist in his quest for knowledge or a theory cannot allow for any holes. Everything must be in a neat little package of equations and proofs or the theory is not accepted. The believer can say "I don't have all the answers, I may never know the answers, but I know it to be true, because overall its true" And with the believer, he can trust and follow G-d and say "Normally murder is evil. But really morality is dictated by you, G-d. And if you say to murder my son, then so be it!"

It is for this reason we read the Parsha of Akeidas Yitchak on Rosh Hashana. We ask G-d just as Avraham went against his nature, the fiber of his being to do the impossible, the inhumane sacrifice for you. So too G-d who all his ways are Truth, and that truth means punishing us for all our evil, doing justice because that too is your nature. G-d go against that nature of yours and give us a year of mercy and absolution.

(as understood from R' M. Einstadter's 'The Yearning Soul'- The Trial of Abraham)

Kindness Happens

Every once in a while something happens to you that reaffirms your faith in humanity. In the shidduch world, a world often devoid of the simplicity of caring about others, of dehumanizing the emotional toll on other with the use of a shadchan, is a place often without kindness. And when someone makes the effort to be kind, it makes the world seem to be a better place.

She needed time to think. I knew she liked me, felt comfortable around me, and had no problem opening up and sharing. And I with her. Except that we seemed to have different paths in life. Not so much a different path, but I had a different background that she had to think about, and how certain things that she took advantage of having them in her own home, now had to think about those things critically.

So I allowed her time to mull it over and clarify the issue in her mind. For four agonizing days she thought it over. For me agonizing because I missed her already after a few hours, and the foreboding feeling she would break up with me, which was even scarier. I wasn't afraid of the pain, but rather of what losing her would mean to me.

Eventually we did meet. I tried valiantly to represent myself truthfully and honestly, but that didn't give either of us clarity. The hours ticked on, while we slowly hashed out the issues, the acceptance of one another, and the differences between us. At a certain point we reached a conclusion that the relationship would not work. By we I mean her, as I accepted this with a calm acquiescence I did not know I possessed. But that wasn't enough for her. She wouldn't say goodbye, she wouldn't say that's it we're done, until I reached the same conclusion she did. Until I realized for myself that in the long run, committing to change myself, or certain aspects of myself wouldn't be good for me. That although we do enjoy each others company and that we do get along, I cannot achieve lasting happiness with her.

So while it was a painful and heart-rending goodbye, the fact that she was able to make realize that the breakup was for the best, for both of us, helps with the healing afterwards. For this is a kindness I can't forget, and only a really kind soul would go to such lengths.

Critique of Pure-Unreason

Many people on the internet write about financial responsibility, especially in the orthodox world. One just has to ask Ezzie for some of the more interesting statistics results from the Jewish Economic Survey to understand that a large number of young people do not know their finances. For a few people websites such as Mint.com help people keep track of their multiple bank-accounts, credit-cards, and other loans in one place. For others they rely on their own book-keeping skills or rely on a family member who has a better grasp to handle everything.

Addressing some of these shortfalls is an organization like Mesila which provide seminars to people who would like more knowledge of financial responsibility. They have branches in many cities in Israel as well as America helping people understand their finances.

I once spoke to someone who is involved in the Yeshivish community, and his chilling comment was "the problem isn't people living in Kollel. The problem is people in Kollel earning $25,000 a year, while living a $70,000 lifestyle." This leads to massive debt, and with a bit of education how to organize your money, this debt can be controlled, eliminated, or preempted.

A few people seeing the benefits of educating Kollel couples, asked a few Yeshivos to run seminars for Kollel couples, to which the answer was NO. The reasoning was that if you educate them, they will look at what it costs to live, look at whats coming in, and leave Kollel. Many people do not want to have that burden of debt for the rest of their lives, or at least they want to be unaware of it. Part of this feeling comes from it being OPM (Other Peoples Money), and therefore do not feel the same responsibility to be responsible.

I can understand why the powers-to-be feel its necessary to withhold such information: that learning in Kollel does require Bitachon-trust that G-d will take care of you. But I don't think, and I may be wrong, that this Bitachon should be at the expense of the general public. The general public is now beholden to pick up the slack at many different levels; from helping them put food on the table, to the tuition deficit at the schools.
(On a side note: little has been explored as to the affect bringing in a Kollel has on tuition in a small out of town community. Even if the Kollel does have a sugar-daddy paying for all of its expenses, rarely does this beneficiary extend it to paying tuition for all of the Kollel families children.More on that another post.)

The fact that we can withhold knowledge from people that require it, I believe is wrong. Its wrong to keep them in the dark about things that will hurt them later. About the fact that they may saddle themselves or their parents/in-laws with debt supporting them while they live carefree lives in Kollel. And if you educate them about what it costs and they don't stay in learning full-time, they may be doing society a favor (as a whole). Personally, I would love to learn in Kollel a few years after marriage, but if its not possible I made myself responsible to put food on the table when I signed the dotted-line on the Kesubah.

And yes, while I do believe that learning Torah makes the world-go-round, and I want people to devote their lives to Torah, but I find it hypocritical to say "Look at other segments of society; their people don't work, they live off welfare, they are crippling the economy" while we cannot and will not look at ourselves and say the same things. I do believe that G-d shows us things in society that if we have our eyes open the Hashgacha is obvious. Looking at American Society, the feeling of entitlement, of what the country can do for me, not I for it, is clear. I think this feeling is prevalent in Jewish Society, and if we change our ways society will follow as well.

Narcissism Took a Hit Last Night

Last night while most normal people were sleeping parts of blogoshpere went down. The mass hysteria caused over 500 posts on Google's help page in the hour and a half it took them to fix it. Some of the Jewish Blogs went down, some didn't. (excluding the wordpress ones) So I reported the error code, and subscribed to a help forum. Here's the best of the forum that I recorded:
AZF has posted an answer to the question "Outage: 11:15PM PDT: We're aware and working to fix this right now.":
The masters will not be pleased with this. No, not at all.
This sets their earth-invasion plans back several months..
Oh dear, I don't even know what they'll do to me for this.

MelissaMashburn: LMAO I was in the middle of posting a blog about panic attacks and I got the error message.Until I found this thread I thought I was the only one experiencing the problem, so I was about ready for a real life panic attack to start.
Whew! One panic attackAvoided

ieamagpantay: The bad thing about this Blogger Downtime is, we cannot blog/post about it! Haha

semaho: lol, we all got this error, how about a little nap, so when wake up, we see our blog again! :D

talk2thetrees: Thanks, bx-59cppw I ALSO though I was the only one... almost cried, but then didn't.

semaho: i agree :) but we are all like dady and momy lost their baby :)

PhilBee: OMG! When will this loooooooooooooooooong string of bloggers, bleating about the SAME problem, end?
Yes, were all suffering from it. Yes, the Blogger Team is on the job. Now, just relaaaaaaaaaaaaaax.
No amount of extra posts saying "Oh, I've got this too - I thought it was only me!" are going to help.
You'll just stress yourself. Go grab a coffee, and rest assured that although MY blog TOO has this problem (opps, did I say that???),
at least my favourite p**n sites...er, I mean, respectable model agency sites...can still be accessed! *phew*

pachaosman: I am waiting...please make it fast.. I am awriter .. and I write... all my stuff.. in this personal blog of mine... please I beg of you!.

semaho:could Blogger change this error code number, i tired of facing the same one, :D

illinoispedant: Sigh. Now what to do to combat insomnia...

pfs6450: Great job Blogger/Google team... i can log in now to my blog... thx again.. luv you guyss... muah2!!!!!

Charmin' to Meet You

When I started dating, I didn't want to be the guy with the awkward or funny dating experiences. I mean who wants to be the one who in 20 years when whoever it is talks about their funny dates is talking about you?

This was basically the first thing going through my mind when I went to pick up my first date ever. Everything started out pleasantly enough; I brought her out to eat at My Most Favorite in Manhattan, the food was good, the company was better, and a good time was had by all (at least I thought so). During the conversation the girl mentioned how she has never seen Times Square at night. Seizing the opportunity, I asked if she would like to walk around which we did.

We first went to the Hershey Store where they gave us free chocolate samples, and then we walked around the M&M Place across the street. We started walking back to the car and she pointed to a storefront and exclaimed "I heard about this place, its supposed to be funny!" So inside we went. Up a long escalator we came to a large room with a queue. This room had about 20 doors leading off it and inside each one was a toilet, with 3 types of toilet paper, Regular, Extra Soft, and Extra Strong. Yes, I went to the Charmin Place on my first date!

Many of those in line were also Shidduch Dates, and there was a black man in the front entertaining the crowd as they waited their turn( he was very funny, even if it was bathroom humor E.G.-"I told my mom I work on Broadway now. She said can I have a seat? I said sure I got lots of seats!")Oh and it wasn't so disgusting, they had people cleaning the toilets after each person went in, so you got a clean new one every time. This year Charmin is setting up these bathrooms again. They are also hiring, so head on over for auditions. It may be humiliating but to the tune of $2000 a week, who cares? Plus you get to see many dates there.

Some people go out to eat on dates, some go to lounges. I went to the bathroom.